Wednesday, 23 March 2011

2,856 ways, tricks, steps, tips, rules, must-haves, and secrets

Navigating one's way through modern life is dauntingly complex. I'd never fully appreciated the magnitude of the challenge until I saw the March issue of Cosmo. The sheer quantity of information to be absorbed is staggering. The numbers tell the story. Add 'em up:

10 (ways to let a guy know you’re interested)
4 (ways to get the curls-gone-wild look)
101 (things about men)
3 (ways to rock your flared bottoms; meaning the bottoms of jeans, I think)
4 (ways to get a guy to listen)
25 (fun ways to go nude without freezing your butt off)
2 (rules for layering like a pro)
5 (secrets to superlush lashes)
5 (flirty finds that set the mood)
8 (easy steps to tighten up your triceps)
7 (sexy must-haves)
6 (ways to tell sexy from skanky)
5 (shameless money-saving tricks)
4 (steps to a half-moon manicure)
23 (great places to meet men)
12 (ways to crank up the cuddle hormone -- their wording, folks)
5 (secrets his top TV show reveals)
9 (ways to squeeze more time out of your day; one of which might be to stop reading this magazine)

By my calculations, this adds up to 238. We could easily exceed 250, but the hygienic ways, tricks, and steps near the back of the magazine are a little too personal for comfort, so I'll settle for 238. This is just one month of the year. Multiply by 12 and you get a total of 2,856 things to learn yearly. It's like going to law school.

I’m keeping my copy of Cosmo. Several of the articles cry out for further analysis, especially the one about fun ways to go nude without freezing your butt off. I live in a climate where that's important. You’ll be able to do your research with your own copy, coming soon to a waiting-room near you.


  1. I need the tight triceps and maybe the hints to layer like a pro. That's only ten. Do you think I could borrow your issue? I don't feel like paying the full newsstand price.

    Oh, all right: maybe I need the curls-gone-wild look or the superflush lashes. It's a tough world out there.

    Seriously, think of all the magazines clamoring for attention at the rack: each one has to grab a prospective reader with four or five dollars to spend by convincing Reader that Magazine will provide easy, cheap, painless Happiness. Not easy. I like the 101 things about men. Who knew we were so important that COSMO could come up with 101 new things about us every month, unless of course they were somewhat repetitive: "Men like dinner." "Men like breathing." "Men sometimes cut themselves shaving."

    Maybe stay out of the waiting room, Diogenes?

  2. You came up with just three things about men. There are 98 more.

  3. I don't agree with everything Hector has to say, but I wonder: What if I'm too busy being a man to read the magazine with the other 98 things about me? Please advise me about what I should do?

  4. My advice is, wait until the next time you have a doctor or dentist appointment. You'll have plenty of time to catch up with your research. Unless, of course, you're one of those rare men with more than 101 things about them.

  5. The last time I looked I had only one thing, which is an unutterable relief to me. But thanks for the advice, Kid!